Dennis Rodman in 3D? Thanks, but no thanks.

Best in Show goes to…nope, not Sadie. It’s the 3D TV.

Oh, I was talking about the Consumer Electronics Show, where the latest technologies for the Average Joe are put on display for collective “ooooo-ing” and “ahhhh-ing.” Consumer Reports projects that manufacturers such as Sony, Vizio, LG, Samsung and Panasonic will come out with new 3D televisions as early as mid-March!

Cool, huh? Yeah, but think about it: Do you really want to see The Biggest Loser in 3D? As far as I’m concerned, they’re big enough.

How about Celebrity Rehab? Want to see Dennis Rodman in 3D? Maybe playing hoops with MJ and Pippen, but not with Dr. Drew and enough bags under his eyes to fill my grocery cart. (No offense, Dennis. Do what you gotta do.)

Flip to MTV. A concert is on, oh cool. Alright, my favorite: Insane Clown Posse featuring Lindsey Buckingham and Destiny’s Child! But Bruno flies in on an invisible cable and lands straight on Eminem. Too bad Eminem is wearing a camera hat, and you just got hit by a big ole helping of “scarred for life.”

Broke your glasses? Pay for this.

Those okay with you? Alright, let’s paint a picture: It’s Super Bowl Sunday, the greatest night in football. You’re a monster Saint’s fan–who dat?–and are having a huge party for all your bros. You got the brand new Panasonic 42600 3D installed with the surround sound, rotationg wall mount and Blu-ray with 3D capabilities. You and your family have 2 pairs of glasses that came with the TV, and had to buy 2 more at $100 a pop. But for the Super Bowl party, youre down 6 pairs.

Eh, no biggy. You foot the $600 and have the best party on the block. Oh, time to refill the chips. You get up, fill the bowl, grab some drinks and sit back down before the Doritos commercial. Wait, the screen looks all funny… double-vision in red and blue. Wait, you left the Panasonic 66985563c glasses on the counter. You run to get them, only to hear a loud roar from the other room, accompanied by that one guy with the most annoying laugh you’ve ever heard that you met at the post office and had to invite.

Fast forward. Saints ball, 4th down, field goal. The camera shifts between the uprights. Hartley kicks the 40-yarder, the pigskin flying right at your face–in 3D. You flinch and close your eyes like anyone would, and you miss the go-ahead score, knocking over your cherry Coke. Who’s got the bag on their head now?

I understand, it’s the next big thing. Cool! Go for it! Just remember that those $100 glasses will end up in the wicker basket next to the couch with your SEGA Dreamcast and your girlfriend’s Seventeen.