You know, if I were teacher, there’s not a doubt in my mind who I’d dress up as for Halloween: Pee-Wee Herman. He is a very smart man, hosted a very educational program, has a great relationship with children, and does it all while having a reputation for being incredibly professional and proper: all signs of a good teacher.

But I’m not a teacher, so I’m at a bit of a loss.

For girls, Halloween is a chance to dress up in something incredibly skimpy and get away with it; for guys, it’s a chance to wear whatever you wore that day and say you’re Justin Bieber—Lil’ Wayne’s parole officer, depending on the plastic badge supply at Target and the Kanye West t-shirts at Wally World.

But I’m not in the mood to wear a pair of ripped jeans and a pair of Skull Candies and call myself “an aspiring music producer with below average grades and a terribly taste in music, citing Master P as my inspiration.” I want something original, fun, and cheaper than the Pittsburgh Pirates.

I could throw on a basketball jersey and be “an NBA player.” Throw in a weird lisp thing and I’m Bill Walton (whose Wikipedia page mysteriously locks up my computer every time. Karma I guess).

I could pop on a suit with the sleeves cut off and be Al Gore (it’s getting warmer).

Better yet, I’ll put on a hockey mask and be a 17 year old kid impersonating somebody dressed up as Jason. Even better: ditch the mask and be the kid who isn’t impersonating a kid dressed as Jason.

But you see, this is what I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to come up with a last minute costume that makes me look like the typical lazy teenager. But my time is running short.

It’s sad to think that I could write a whole column of all the things I shouldn’t be (e.g. a mystery shopper, undercover cop, watching paint dry, Taco Bell customer, Fat Joe after P90x, Mark Zuckerberg, Oprah’s friend Gayle, etc.)

Basically, Halloween is for the planners, the organizers, the thinkers. It’s for the creative, the artsy, the “out-there.” It’s for the funny, the involved, the passionate.

It’s also for the lazy, the procrastinators, the I could care less-ers.

Is there no happy medium? Wait, a happy Medium. I talk to dead people and double as Mickey Mouse at Disney World.

Nah.

Wait…I’ll be a teacher, dressed up as Pee-Wee! Can you say “Best Costume” winner at the VFW post 318 kida-annual Halloween party? Oh yes you can.